I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
