I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
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