Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
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