Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
