hotel room ftw
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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