Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
