Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Randomize
