Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
