Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
