Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
