I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
