it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
