I think I died a long time ago.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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