YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
