I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
