Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
