Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
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