That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
