she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
