She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
