i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
