I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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