nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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