i was born a porn star she said
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
