Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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