My room smells like vodka and shame
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
