I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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