none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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