I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
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