Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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