I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
