We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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