After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
