This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize