who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Randomize
