Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
