he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
