i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize
