I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
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