Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
