im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
