I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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