Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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