Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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