he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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