i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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