What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
