1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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