Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
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