my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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