I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
