Betty ford says i'm here all night
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I'm like, not good at living.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Randomize
