Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Randomize
