Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
