For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
