New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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