perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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