suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
