So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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