She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
