just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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