I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
