I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize