hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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