Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
