Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
