I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
