You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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