I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
